Hi! It's nice to meet you. As you probably know, I'm 13 Assassins, the 2011 film by Takashi Miike. I've really been looking forward to getting to know you, but before we get started, I can see there's one question you've been dying to ask me: "are you just f---ing around?" Look, I get it. That's a reasonable question. After all, you might not be too familiar with movies like me, and if you're not, it makes it tough to commit to a whole indoor trainer session with just the two of us for company. So to put your mind at ease, let me answer your question with a question: does this look like I'm f---ing around?
Just so you understand, that's my very first scene. That's how I introduce myself to people. So I hope there won't be any more talk of whether I'm f---ing around or not. Should be pretty clear now.
Sorry if that came across defensive. It's just that it's hard meeting new people, you know? Sometimes I'm not what they expected and they wind up disappointed. I understand. But spend a little time with me and I think you'll find we can have a lot of fun together.
What? You've heard that I'm really intense? Well, yes, in a certain sense, I am. After all, I'm a story about some aging samurai who join forces to prevent the ascendance of a sadistic young nobleman--
I'm sorry, what? What do you mean, "like Joffrey on Game of Thrones?" No, not like that. Not unless that little princeling amuses himself by amputating the limbs of his rape victims, leaving them forced to use a brush in their teeth to draw the kanji characters for "TOTAL MASSACRE" in order to explain what happened to them.
OK, I can see where I get this reputation for being pretty intense. I mean, I'm funny sometimes, too, but mostly intense. Anyway! Point is that the samurai get together to stop the nobleman and his army from going to join the shogun's council and starting up a new era of warfare. There's a little irony there, what with the samurai complaining that they feel like they're kind of worthless in a time of peace, and they find some new meaning in going off to fight this guy. Plus there's some camaraderie and getting-to-know-you stuff as they recruit the bros they need to make up their full squad of 13.
I have to say that if I have a weakness, it's that I don't really give you that much meat on the bones of those various samurai bros. It's tough to be Ocean's Eleventh unless you're Carl Reiner, or to be the Twelfth Angriest Man unless you're Jack Lemmon. My bros don't quite have that star power. Fair. But there's enough there so you can feel stoked when they're winning and sad when they're getting picked off (don't even talk to me about spoiler alerts; have you seen a samurai movie? It's a miracle anyone survives). I also have a lag in the middle where there's some light philosophy and politics, but don't worry. Just when you're starting to wonder if there's a little too much of that, I'll get to the good stuff. You'll know it's coming when...
Well, I guess that would be a spoiler, so I'll hold off. Let's just say that you'll finally have a chance to use a sentence that involves the words "flaming," "wild boar," and "stampede."
One other thing: I know that subtitles isn't always a great characteristic in a trainer movie, but I feel like I do pretty well with it. You get just the actual spoken words, not much of the <sound effect> type stuff. I skipped that since I thought it would get pretty numbing just reading things like <gurgles> <gasping for breath> <entrails splash> over and over, especially in my second half. At the end of the day, I'm a visual film.
So what kind of workout should we do together? Let's take the advice of one of my characters: "he who values his life dies a dog's death." OK, fine, I'll own it: I'm intense! If you're intense too, we'll get along. Allow for a nice ten-minute cooldown at the end, though, because I definitely need some too. You'll understand why when we get there. I'm about 1:55 long, so plan your workout to be done with the hard stuff at 1:45 and then we can take a nice leisurely walk around and reflect on our journey together.
If you like Japanese aesthetics, violent action scenes that have real weight, and just enough story to hold things together, then I think we'll get along just fine. You can find me streaming on Netflix.
Monday, January 22, 2018
Friday, January 12, 2018
The Infiltrator
Back in the video store days I'd notice a certain movie, thinking that it looked appealing, but wondering why I hadn't heard anything of it. It'd have cool actors, or a cool box, and I'd be intrigued, but I'd pass it over time after time because I wanted to rent more of a sure thing. But eventually I'd give it a try, and I'd be pleased at getting lucky with a mild success (From Dusk Till Dawn) or feeling like a sucker for wasting my rental money on a dog (Flight of the Phoenix). It's a blessing of the modern streaming services that you pretty much have access to a never-ending stream of such things, and the only risk is time.
Or if you're riding the trainer, the agony of being bored while grinding away.
The Infiltrator sure looked promising: Bryan Cranston in the true story of the DEA agent who Infiltrated the drug cartels of the mid-80s. Sounds cool, huh? And it has its moments, sure. There's a lot of the stuff you've come to expect in an undercover agent movie: gradually getting buddy-buddy with the gangsters, bickering with the supervisors, losing touch with his real identity, etc. Something about it just feels rote, though, hitting the notes but without any real passion. I kept thinking of Donnie Brasco while watching this and trying (and failing) to think of how that movie made you feel more of the insanity of the life of the deep cover agent. Is it a better performance from the principals? More intricate plotting? Hard to say, but there's something missing.
It's also possible that this is a better movie off the trainer, since it's hard to pay enough attention to little nuances and such.
Good things: Cranston almost always hits a double or better. Holly Flax! Cool trappings of 80s wealth.
Bad things: super boring cartel people. Longer than it should be. Missing some je ne sais quois.
Workout pairing: Tough call. Needs something a little more interesting than endurance or 2x20. I watched it in two sittings, one with a VO2 interval set (not bad) and one with a steady cruise (not entertaining enough).
Bottom line: It's not a terrible movie but you should look elsewhere for trainer inspiration.
P.S. I just thought of a two-word review for this movie: Boring Scarface.
Or if you're riding the trainer, the agony of being bored while grinding away.
The Infiltrator sure looked promising: Bryan Cranston in the true story of the DEA agent who Infiltrated the drug cartels of the mid-80s. Sounds cool, huh? And it has its moments, sure. There's a lot of the stuff you've come to expect in an undercover agent movie: gradually getting buddy-buddy with the gangsters, bickering with the supervisors, losing touch with his real identity, etc. Something about it just feels rote, though, hitting the notes but without any real passion. I kept thinking of Donnie Brasco while watching this and trying (and failing) to think of how that movie made you feel more of the insanity of the life of the deep cover agent. Is it a better performance from the principals? More intricate plotting? Hard to say, but there's something missing.
It's also possible that this is a better movie off the trainer, since it's hard to pay enough attention to little nuances and such.
Good things: Cranston almost always hits a double or better. Holly Flax! Cool trappings of 80s wealth.
Bad things: super boring cartel people. Longer than it should be. Missing some je ne sais quois.
Workout pairing: Tough call. Needs something a little more interesting than endurance or 2x20. I watched it in two sittings, one with a VO2 interval set (not bad) and one with a steady cruise (not entertaining enough).
Bottom line: It's not a terrible movie but you should look elsewhere for trainer inspiration.
P.S. I just thought of a two-word review for this movie: Boring Scarface.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
The Founder
I was pretty excited about The Founder when I saw the trailer, enough to give it a try as a trainer movie. This is always a little risky with dramas or biopics, which tend to make for better viewing when you're actually giving it your full concentration, but Michael Keaton's particular insanity did the job for me.
Plot synopsis: Michael Keaton's failed milkshake machine salesman sees the potential in a restaurant run by the McDonald brothers (Ron Swanson and the Zodiac Killer), pressures them into expanding, then pretty much hijacks the whole operation with the help of Ryan Howard from the Office and that one single-mom nurse from ER who used to live in Don Draper's building. Does a fairly typical biopic treatment, hitting fictionalized versions of key events in the real story. Over the course of the movie, its protagonist comes across more and more villainous. It's hard to say whether that's what the megalomaniacal Ray Kroc was really like or whether the director just couldn't put the brakes on Keaton. Overall the character comes across a little two-dimensional, not the Oscar-winning home run swing they were probably hoping for.
Who would like this: Ron Swanson fans, Keaton fans. If neither applies this might not be the movie for you.
Pluses: every scene where Swanson gets exasperated at Keaton. Keaton's speech coach.
Minuses: Laura Dern doesn't get much to do. The story of the divorce and remarriage is mentioned but has no flesh on it at all. Pretty formulaic.
Suggested workout pairing: avoid long sustained efforts. You'll need something snappy to break up the time a bit. I did two 20m intervals at sweet spot pace with a standing 30s at VO2 max every four minutes.
The Bottom Line: an OK trainer movie if you really like these actors (which I do). Probably better to watch it like a normal person. Included on Netflix; not worth a rental fee for me.
Plot synopsis: Michael Keaton's failed milkshake machine salesman sees the potential in a restaurant run by the McDonald brothers (Ron Swanson and the Zodiac Killer), pressures them into expanding, then pretty much hijacks the whole operation with the help of Ryan Howard from the Office and that one single-mom nurse from ER who used to live in Don Draper's building. Does a fairly typical biopic treatment, hitting fictionalized versions of key events in the real story. Over the course of the movie, its protagonist comes across more and more villainous. It's hard to say whether that's what the megalomaniacal Ray Kroc was really like or whether the director just couldn't put the brakes on Keaton. Overall the character comes across a little two-dimensional, not the Oscar-winning home run swing they were probably hoping for.
Who would like this: Ron Swanson fans, Keaton fans. If neither applies this might not be the movie for you.
Pluses: every scene where Swanson gets exasperated at Keaton. Keaton's speech coach.
Minuses: Laura Dern doesn't get much to do. The story of the divorce and remarriage is mentioned but has no flesh on it at all. Pretty formulaic.
Suggested workout pairing: avoid long sustained efforts. You'll need something snappy to break up the time a bit. I did two 20m intervals at sweet spot pace with a standing 30s at VO2 max every four minutes.
The Bottom Line: an OK trainer movie if you really like these actors (which I do). Probably better to watch it like a normal person. Included on Netflix; not worth a rental fee for me.
Kingsman: The Golden Circle
I'm pleased to start off Trainer Movie Reviews with an all-time classic: Kingsman: The Golden Circle. This is almost certainly not a Great Movie, but it's a great trainer movie! I'll have more to say about the criteria later, but for now, let's dive in.
Plot synopsis: the Kingsmen from the first movie get jacked by Julianne Moore (who is just the best) and are forced to enlist the help of the American version of the Kingsmen to prevent Julianne Moore (who puts a person in a meat grinder in her first scene) from doing some bullshit plan that involves a virus and drugs. This movie really understands the role of "plot" in a trainer movie. You need to get just enough of an idea that there's some sort of conflict, and that it's important, but if you miss a bit you'll still basically know what's up. At some point late in the movie they talked about impersonating and tracking down someone from Singapore, and the next thing I knew we were starting the climax. Not sure what happened with the Singapore thing. Did not seem to matter at all. Perfect!
Who would like this: those who appreciate the humor and aesthetic which oscillates between "irreverently outlandish" and "embarrassingly adolescent." Elton John fans. People who like action movies but got a headache watching Transformers.
Pluses: lots of whiskey, visual clarity in the action scenes, lots of Julianne Moore (whose smile makes you wonder if she literally ate human beings to prepare for the role), Oberyn Martell, no training montage, fun callbacks to the first movie without just repeating the same beats.
Minuses: besides Julianne Moore (the best) not the greatest treatment of its women characters, weird small parts for Halle Berry and Channing Tatum that seemed like you didn't really need them, death of my favorite character. But mostly not many minuses.
Suggested workout pairing: I was doing a few reps of a fairly easy pyramid set, 5 minutes each in z1 through z4 and then back down. But this movie would work for anything. It's got adrenaline for anaerobic work, stimulation for long sweet spot intervals, and entertainment for endurance. The total package, really.
The Bottom Line: absolutely worth the rental fee from Google Play.
Plot synopsis: the Kingsmen from the first movie get jacked by Julianne Moore (who is just the best) and are forced to enlist the help of the American version of the Kingsmen to prevent Julianne Moore (who puts a person in a meat grinder in her first scene) from doing some bullshit plan that involves a virus and drugs. This movie really understands the role of "plot" in a trainer movie. You need to get just enough of an idea that there's some sort of conflict, and that it's important, but if you miss a bit you'll still basically know what's up. At some point late in the movie they talked about impersonating and tracking down someone from Singapore, and the next thing I knew we were starting the climax. Not sure what happened with the Singapore thing. Did not seem to matter at all. Perfect!
Who would like this: those who appreciate the humor and aesthetic which oscillates between "irreverently outlandish" and "embarrassingly adolescent." Elton John fans. People who like action movies but got a headache watching Transformers.
Pluses: lots of whiskey, visual clarity in the action scenes, lots of Julianne Moore (whose smile makes you wonder if she literally ate human beings to prepare for the role), Oberyn Martell, no training montage, fun callbacks to the first movie without just repeating the same beats.
Minuses: besides Julianne Moore (the best) not the greatest treatment of its women characters, weird small parts for Halle Berry and Channing Tatum that seemed like you didn't really need them, death of my favorite character. But mostly not many minuses.
Suggested workout pairing: I was doing a few reps of a fairly easy pyramid set, 5 minutes each in z1 through z4 and then back down. But this movie would work for anything. It's got adrenaline for anaerobic work, stimulation for long sweet spot intervals, and entertainment for endurance. The total package, really.
The Bottom Line: absolutely worth the rental fee from Google Play.
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